If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
