May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
