I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
