i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
