Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
