you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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