I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
