I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
