There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
