Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
