I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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