just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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