I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
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