Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
