you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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