She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
