There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
