Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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