We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize
