I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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