An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I forget how to act sober
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
