thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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