he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
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He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
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She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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