I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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