He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
