Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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