Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
