Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
