If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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