Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
