its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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