my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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