she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
