Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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