Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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