so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
