I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
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