were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
