Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I think a kid would responsible me up
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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