Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
