Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
