just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
