and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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