dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
