My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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