My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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