when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
