then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
