allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
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My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
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i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.