How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
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I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
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Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.