You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
