I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
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Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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