the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
