I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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